Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I worry

...about my friends that is.
One of them is having some problems with depression. And as ch as me and her mother don't think she needs therapy her ex boyfriend does. I know him getting mad and slamming doors will not persuade her to do anything.
I honestly dont want to get in the middle of it.
But Im on her side.
Besides her mother knows best, she herself has lived a terribly depressing life. I couldn't even imagine being as strong as my friend's mother. But thats beside the point.
I think my friend just needs to get away from her ex. I think she just needs to go home for a little bit. I think it would do her god you know?
... Cuz I sure don't...

Monday, January 10, 2011


God. Break just seems too long. Doesnt it? I'm home for a week more then eveyone else. VCU, UVA, VT- all go back the 16th. Im here till the 21st. I just miss my home away from home. My School. My friends and loved ones. I just wanna go back now. I have too much free time.
Danielle comes back from India tomorrow, and I miss her so much and cant wait to see her. She's honestly one of my best friends and I cant wait to hear aout what she did over her tip, and how she survived ehr mother.
I hve hung out with a sufficiendt amount of my friends this break. Everyone I wanted to see, I saw. And I am happy about it.
I'm almost positive that mikes midnight phone calls are the only things that have kept me from going completely insane this break. just hearing his voice warms me inside. But having gotten to see him is by far the best part. He just smells so good!
And he makes me nervous.
He has my heart... and I am no longer in control because of it... and that scares me.I dont want to set myself up for yet another heartbreak.
I miss Rita and her funny faces. I hope her and her team kick ass at Nationals. Win for our school. That would be so fucking amazing.
I need to go snowboarding.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Halloween breezes

The wind turns about the fire of the autumn leaves. I lay in bed, listening to the silence of the Halloween breeze outside. No one stirs this afternoon upon the lawn or leans against a building. It is a windy hush in the Park.
My head hurts as I lay in my bed. Nothing some pills won't cure. The room or trashed from the flurry of getting ready for going out. For partying. Dancing. I made him jealous, but I was good! No kisses for random drunk boys. I was good. Yet u still apologized. So... Did I do something wrong?
My phone lays by my leg, dark and silent.
Right now. I'm alone.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Welcome to College

This is it. College.
I don't even know where to start.
I began college with this love for a boy named Patrick. Not a good kid, but my friend none the less. I should have known that he would not have treated me any differently then the other girls who have been in his life. Screw me and my hopes, right?
But I began to fall in love with him. When he made it clear that I was ot good enough because I wouldnt pay him endless amounts of attention.
Really? I thought guys hated being smothered.
Guess I was wrong.
So I was sad for a long while.
Burns on my arms again.
But the past week has been picked me up off my feet to a place where I can hope for a better year.
A better future.
If I don't screw it up.
Which I probably will.



Friday, July 30, 2010

It's Hereditary...

I have this nervous habit where i pick at my scalp. It is terrible, really, and quite painful. Yet for some reason I just can't stop picking at the scabs on my head. It has gotten to the point where there is a permanent spot where the hair folicles have all died and there is a little bald patch.
Today i found out that my grandfather used to do the same thing. I am convinced that i picked it up from him when i was very little.
Im watching Lost on Netflix. I don't think there has ever been a show that has kept me so enthralled. The writers sure know how to keep watchers hooked.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Tonight I saw the movie "Inception".
It made me think, as I'm sure was intended, about reality. It made me wonder if I was dreaming.
I have nightmares- those are the dreams which I remember.
My dreams are my subconscious. These nightmares are mine and only mine- personal and absolute, even if they reoccer over and over again.
Those treasures that I dreamed of as a child- the ones that I wished to find hidden in the world- were always there in my dreams. Without fail.
It was my world, even if I couldn't control it.
So now I realize that my nightmares are my treasures. They are more secret and more my own then my concious thoughts. They are who I am under all if this.
This scares me.
And makes me happy.
Because if I were to be dreaming- at this very moment- then I would me more me then I have ever been. I would be real to myself and I would know it.
I think therefor I am.
Maybe... c:
Life is a maze sometimes- if not most of the time- and it's my job to solve it.

-A Lucid Dreamer

Remember my dream tonight...

I Dindn't Think...

I didn't think that this summer would be nearly what it ended up being.
I didn't think that i would stand in a hospital room and watch my grandfather knowing that he would soon die.
I didn't think that I would hook-up with my best friend have two friends both fall in love with me or that i would make out with the delinquent who i had crushed on for all four of my high school years... and I didn't think that i was going to miss someone like i used to miss my ex-boyfriend...
Yet all these things have been happening and all i want is to just go to college. When I went to orientation i thought that adulthood had finally decided to present itself to me- in a cramped triple and community showers.
All that i find myself wanting to do, right now- at this very moment, is break down and cry. Cry for the years that have past and the things that i had been through and the things that i had put people through. I was not a saint and i was a close and unappreciated friend.
But that's what life is- not being appreciated and losing the things that you knew that you loved (yet secretly knew that you could not keep forever).

Tomorrow i want to set off fireworks into the night air-. i want to watch the sparks fly and the colors illuminate the night. I want to do this because i want to feel like there is something a little magical about this world.
Ever since i was a little girl i wanted the world to have little secret treasures hidden all about it- but i have found it to be much harder to come by such things then i had thought. So i want to create one. Tomorrow night. For a few seconds from when the fuse it lit to when the flames die down.
And i am going to cry.
For growing up.
For losing love.
For losing myself.
For the relief of moving on.