Halloween breezes

The wind turns about the fire of the autumn leaves. I lay in bed, listening to the silence of the Halloween breeze outside. No one stirs this afternoon upon the lawn or leans against a building. It is a windy hush in the Park.
My head hurts as I lay in my bed. Nothing some pills won't cure. The room or trashed from the flurry of getting ready for going out. For partying. Dancing. I made him jealous, but I was good! No kisses for random drunk boys. I was good. Yet u still apologized. So... Did I do something wrong?
My phone lays by my leg, dark and silent.
Right now. I'm alone.

Welcome to College

This is it. College.
I don't even know where to start.
I began college with this love for a boy named Patrick. Not a good kid, but my friend none the less. I should have known that he would not have treated me any differently then the other girls who have been in his life. Screw me and my hopes, right?
But I began to fall in love with him. When he made it clear that I was ot good enough because I wouldnt pay him endless amounts of attention.
Really? I thought guys hated being smothered.
Guess I was wrong.
So I was sad for a long while.
Burns on my arms again.
But the past week has been picked me up off my feet to a place where I can hope for a better year.
A better future.
If I don't screw it up.
Which I probably will.



Crap.


-Hopeful

It's Hereditary...

I have this nervous habit where i pick at my scalp. It is terrible, really, and quite painful. Yet for some reason I just can't stop picking at the scabs on my head. It has gotten to the point where there is a permanent spot where the hair folicles have all died and there is a little bald patch.
Today i found out that my grandfather used to do the same thing. I am convinced that i picked it up from him when i was very little.
Im watching Lost on Netflix. I don't think there has ever been a show that has kept me so enthralled. The writers sure know how to keep watchers hooked.

Tonight...

Tonight I saw the movie "Inception".
It made me think, as I'm sure was intended, about reality. It made me wonder if I was dreaming.
I have nightmares- those are the dreams which I remember.
My dreams are my subconscious. These nightmares are mine and only mine- personal and absolute, even if they reoccer over and over again.
Those treasures that I dreamed of as a child- the ones that I wished to find hidden in the world- were always there in my dreams. Without fail.
It was my world, even if I couldn't control it.
So now I realize that my nightmares are my treasures. They are more secret and more my own then my concious thoughts. They are who I am under all if this.
This scares me.
And makes me happy.
Because if I were to be dreaming- at this very moment- then I would me more me then I have ever been. I would be real to myself and I would know it.
I think therefor I am.
Maybe... c:
Life is a maze sometimes- if not most of the time- and it's my job to solve it.

-A Lucid Dreamer

PS
Remember my dream tonight...

I Dindn't Think...

I didn't think that this summer would be nearly what it ended up being.
I didn't think that i would stand in a hospital room and watch my grandfather knowing that he would soon die.
I didn't think that I would hook-up with my best friend have two friends both fall in love with me or that i would make out with the delinquent who i had crushed on for all four of my high school years... and I didn't think that i was going to miss someone like i used to miss my ex-boyfriend...
Yet all these things have been happening and all i want is to just go to college. When I went to orientation i thought that adulthood had finally decided to present itself to me- in a cramped triple and community showers.
All that i find myself wanting to do, right now- at this very moment, is break down and cry. Cry for the years that have past and the things that i had been through and the things that i had put people through. I was not a saint and i was a close and unappreciated friend.
But that's what life is- not being appreciated and losing the things that you knew that you loved (yet secretly knew that you could not keep forever).

Tomorrow i want to set off fireworks into the night air-. i want to watch the sparks fly and the colors illuminate the night. I want to do this because i want to feel like there is something a little magical about this world.
Ever since i was a little girl i wanted the world to have little secret treasures hidden all about it- but i have found it to be much harder to come by such things then i had thought. So i want to create one. Tomorrow night. For a few seconds from when the fuse it lit to when the flames die down.
And i am going to cry.
For growing up.
For losing love.
For losing myself.
For the relief of moving on.

-Christine